uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just high enough for therapy.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
