If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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