you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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