I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm too high and old for this...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
