there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
