guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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