All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
