God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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