yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
