so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
