That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
