I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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