Whod you bang
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
