I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
