I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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