dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
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