yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
