She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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