My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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