I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
