I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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