Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
it's like heaven, but drunker
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
