I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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