ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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