I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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