there was a trapeze. enough said
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
