well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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