Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
