Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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