I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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