i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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