I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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