I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
