Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
