If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
