I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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