My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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