we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
