Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
