gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
