what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We're not piercing ourselves today.
MIDGETS
????
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
