Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
