He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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