just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
