Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
