her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
