yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
