Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
