I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
