Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
